TRUE SELF
by ickleails
Summary: A short delve into the mind of Ziva!


A/N- don't own a thing expect my imagination! Enjoy and review if you wish!

Strong, courageous, passionate and focused where all words that had once upon a time been used to describe the nature and character of one Ziva David, former mossad assassin and foreign agent.

Throughout her childhood of what little she had she had been groomed and primed for a world of secrets and espionage. For a life of death and destruction and the unrelenting friendship of pain and loneliness. She recalled that as a youngster believing that this life that laid ahead of her was normal for all. She couldn't grasp why others her own age wanted to do things like teach and dance they seemed so meaningless to her. In her heart she was conditioned by her own father to within an inch of it's capacity to believe and accept that to serve and ultimately die for one's country especially one as great as Israel was a great and valid honour and that such fleeting matters of the heart like love and friendship even family was trivial in comparison.

But now she stood on the eve of a new dawn ready to fully break out of her mould and become the woman she truly was deep within her heart. Never in all her years until that fateful day not so many years ago did she know any different from what her child hood had taught her. NCIS did more than offer her a job, more than offer her insight into a different federal agency- it enlightened her heart and soul. She found within the bullpen many things that she never knew where missing from her existence. Things she didn't even realised she craved. She found true friendship without strings attached, bonds that were rooted in mutual respect and trust. She also experienced banter that was playful and free of hatred unlike what she was used too She encountered new nuances of the human psyche and she found that she unexpectedly welcomed them. At first she felt like she was on recon mission, scoping out this different way of thinking and being in this foreign land. But all too soon the mission morphed into being her own life and her own nature. At first she tried to fight it, not wanting to change deeming that such a change as being nothing more than weakness but alas it was stronger and before she knew it she was embracing it and it embraced her.

Her mind expanded and along with it her heart did the same. Never before had she felt so accepted for being nothing more than her true self. Over the years she learnt to disguise her true self as a means of protection and often survival. As a result walls of granite were constructed around her true self and her heart. To a point she no longer knew who that 'true self' was any more. She became lost and she didn't even know it. Somehow the team chiselled away at the wall in certain incidences while with others that went at it with the bulldozer. The cracks appeared and the walls started to crumble and fade. With it she started to discover who she really was and her heart started to swell.

However with all of this she also started to realise just how unusual her life was and started to question aspects and beliefs about her life and she found that they flooded her mind and senses. As a result she saw her father in a harsh new light and she didn't like what she saw. He was a father by blood only. He had no warmth for her which she realised with a startling force during those 4 months of torture and hell. He was no father to her. With this revelation came another one, the man who was everything a father should be to her was the one she respected more than any other human being- Gibbs. She trusted him with her life and mind and that is not something a former assassin should be able to trust with anybody but themselves.

She soon started to see the truth that had surrounded her for some time. Her colleagues weren't just friends but they were family. Looking along the row of chairs she saw Abby. In Abby she found a best friend, a new experience altogether for her. She could vaguely recall close friends as a child but other than her sister Talli she never had a best friend or anyone close enough to one expect for Abby. Over time they friendship had morphed into something more akin to sisterhood and she secretly loved that feeling.

Beside Abby was Tim and with Tim she found a friend and brother figure. As loyal as Abby and as a strong as Gibbs. She never doubted his faith in her. On the other side of her was Ducky. To her Ducky was full of warmth and security making her feel at home. Home was once a transient thought and never a feeling but now she knew in her heart that she was truly at home. And Palmer was that silly cousin who you adored but slanted at the same time. She felt royally blessed for her loyal, faithful and somewhat unorthodox family.

And then their were Tony- a man of many words and annoying habits. A man who risked everything to avenge her suspected death, a man who is relentless and full of compassion. A man with a heart of a lion. Tony was the greatest force in destroying her fortress. He never once was fooled by her cold exterior, somehow he always saw beyond. It scared her just how much he knew and understood of her yet he never flaunted it before her. He was gentle and warm and as result she trusted him not just with her life but also with her heart and soul. With him by herself she found not just a friend but also herself. He revealed to her, her 'true self'. Which was strong, courageous, passionate, focused and so much more.

In what seemed a short space of time she found herself leaning on him and resting within him. He was her rock, a solid unmovable force within her life. Only once had she doubted him and she knew she would regret that fact for the rest of her life. She vowed to never do that again. With anyone else she would naturally question them but with Tony never again. She trusted him more than she trusted herself. So his absence along with Gibbs at this pivoted time in her life confused and pained her. She knew that it had to be important but that didn't lessen her emotions. Since her rescue and safe return to where she now considered home and all that had passed since then she couldn't help but be disappointed and anger at both their non show. What she was doing was draining her physically and emotionally, denouncing her home country and accepting a new loyalty was leaving her feeling raw and she wanted her rock and shield to be there for her. She knew she could sap strength just from his mere presence and right now she craved that. It felt strange going through all this without the man she considered her father in all aspects but blood and the man whom secretly held her heart. But she knew she must so she shakily raised her hand and started to recite.


End file.
